7 Worst Beer League Hockey Players

Written by RosterBot guest blogger: Wyatt Arndt (@thestancion)

Hockey’s a sport filled with characters. Some good, some not so good and others are down-right strange.

If you don’t recognize some of your teammates on this list of the 7 Worst Beer League Hockey Players, watch out! You might be one of them!

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I know it’s our anniversary! But, Bill can’t make it, so if I don’t go we forfeit the game, and that costs the team $200.

And despite how many teams you’ve played on over the years, there always seems to be certain personality stereotypes that show up year after year.

Here are just a few of the popular traits that always seem to appear in hockey leagues all over.


YOLO Player aka: Every Game is the Stanley Cup Guy

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THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!!!

You know the person, they celebrate every goal like they just won the Stanley Cup.

They do this by screaming really loudly for no reason, or by high-fiving everyone they can find, or by windmilling their hands, or by doing the ice scoop celebration the entire length of the ice, or by doing the lowest form of goal scoring celebration there is, the jump-into-the-glass Ovechkin celebration.

Nothing says over the top quite like jumping into the glass, smashing your fists in excitement, after you just made it 7-1.


Fake Out Artist aka: Bad Line Changer

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He promised me he’d never do this to me again…..

Let me paint you a scenario that has been played out across countless rinks throughout history.

You’re waiting for your turn to get out on the ice. One of your teammates will have been out way too long, obviously gassed, and in desperate need of a line change. You’ll stand up in anticipation of this line change because damn it, you’re a good teammate, and you want him/her to know that you’re on the ball and ready to relieve them of duty.

They’ll look over at the bench, making direct eye contact with you. Not to the guy or gal to your left or right, but you, they are looking directly at you. They’ll give an almost imperceptible nod of their head, but you notice that nod, oh yes you do, because you and your teammate are on the same mental wave length.

You will be the one to bring the fresh legs to the ice and lead the team to new found glory in a mere few seconds, once you complete the line change…then the puck goes into the offensive zone and the Fake Out Artist does a drive-by of your bench and skates away after the puck.

They will no longer be looking you in the eyes. They will no longer be skating towards you. They will instead chase after a scoring chance despite having the cardio of a 95 year old man at this point.


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Revenge Shifter aka: The Shift Accountant

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No, seriously, let’s play the entire period, that’s the only way we can show them we mean business.

Every team has one guy who keeps impeccable records of everyone’s ice time. They will gently remind you that your last shift was 20 seconds too long, or that Johnson stayed out for the entire power play.

While it is always good to keep track of the ice time so everyone gets their fair share, sometimes this takes a turn for the worse when The Shift Accountant feels slighted about their ice time. They react by inciting a mini-revolt on the bench, talking about how they will now be taking an extra minute on their shift.

This in turn causes the next line to take a revenge shift for that revenge shift, which then steamrolls into a bunch of yelling on the bench and one line staying out for five minutes.

This is why some people become goalies.


Stench of Death aka: Never Washes Gear Player

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Why is there a roasted chicken in your bag?

Every team has one person whose bag smells like eighteen things crawled in and died inside of it. While hockey gear doesn’t smell great at the best of times, this person’s gear has somehow found a way to attain new smells that are not of this earth.

This person is unusually proud of their smelly gear, and will most likely not wash said gear for many seasons, either out of open defiance for you not appreciating their odor, or usually just laziness.

It is best to sit downwind of these people.


Beaver Tailer aka: Calls For the Pass ALL THE TIME Guy

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PASS! I’m wide open!

They could be in the corner with five guys in their way. They could be behind their own net. Hell, sometimes they can even just be jumping onto the ice. Either way, they are calling for the puck and they are not afraid to let you know it. They will be slapping their stick on the ground like a mad man, screaming your name like their life depended upon it, demanding that pass.

It’s important to remember, do not give in to their demands. While sometimes the urge to pass to the Beaver Tailer is high because it sounds like they are 100% sure it is the right thing to do, 90% of the time it isn’t.

For a fun turn of events, try calling for a pass from Calls for Pass Guy. Watch as the confusion and horror washes over their face as they struggle to understand what you’re asking for.


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Incredible Hulk aka: The Rager

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STUPID GUY CROSSING HIS STUPID ARMS BEHIND THE STUPID GOALIE.

This is the person who gets mad at EVERYTHING.

Team down by a couple of goals? They are pissed off about it.

The ice isn’t that great tonight? They will be screaming at how poorly the league is run.

The ref makes a call of any kind? They will be up in their grill over it, demanding they get fired.

There is nothing you can do about The Rager, all you can hope is that they score a goal so that they struggle to find out a way to be angry about that.


Sloppy Rinser aka: Water Bottle Killer

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The brown water just means it has more nutrients, it’s all good

Filling up the water bottles is sometimes done by the captains or an appointed player, but sometimes the team rotates this duty. The team that rotates duties soon finds out why many teams just get one reliable guy to fill the water-bottles up when they run into the Sloppy Rinser.

The Sloppy Rinser’s technique is to shake the bottle, and if there is water in it from last week, they simply add the new water to it. It doesn’t matter if that water bottle spent the off-season on a hot patio and it’s the first game of the season, if that bottle has water in it, they will not be rinsing it out. To them, water is water.

To everyone else, the plastic tasting, room temperature chemical sip of death that awaits them is a stark reminder why you should always pick water-bottle duty carefully.


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9 thoughts on “7 Worst Beer League Hockey Players

  1. Great list! Another dude who’s missing here is ‘Tinted Visor Guy’. Hate this guy. Shows up in all new gear, usually puts one wrap of tape on his stick like Teemu, laces thru his pants, talking about his time in Jr. A. Then sprawls all over the ice walking on because he forgets to take his skate guards off.

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    1. Don’t forget the “No Contact Tough Guy” who has never played contact hockey in his life but is ten feet tall and bulletproof after spraying/slashing your goalie. He then spouts of at the mouth under cover of his own players when challenged to drop the mitts.

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  2. Good list. I would add Captain Coast – to-Coast, the guy that never passes and will always try to dangle every other player (sometimes more than once) before losing the puck only to get pissed when someone else misses that prime opportunity to have hit him for a low percentage shot. “God dammit dude, I was wide fucking open! “

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  3. How about “The Tape Bum”, the one guy who is trying to bum tape from anyone on the team, even asking the goalie for tape. I’ve got tape, it’s white stick tape, that is all.

    Or “Always Late Guy” especially when facing a short bench, hoping you’ll have enough guys for a full change, this guy rolls in when the Zamboni hits the ice.

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  4. Don’t forget the ” why would I back check and come back behind the red line” guy aka “the cherry picker” aka “how do you like my white gloves?”

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  5. I would add “I never touched him/her” guy that plows through people in a no-check game, and then takes offense at getting penalized or told to cut it the fuck out.

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